Scapegoats

"There are many scapegoats for our sins, but the most popular is providence" -Mark Twain


I am a blamer.

I blame my Father for leaving me.

I blame my Mother for not raising me right.

I blame society for not supporting me.

I blame my wife for not supporting me in my dreams.

I blame my kids for needing me constantly.


Here's the rundown:

My Father screwed up, but I am responsible for my actions.

My Mom did her best, and loved me the best way she knew how.

I can change my part in society, and I also have to realize that I am not owed anything.

How can my wife support me in my dreams when I never follow through with them? And the truth of the matter is that she has, and will continue to be supportive of me, but it falls on me to make my goals and strive to achieve them.

Of course my kids need me. They are growing, learning, finding their way in the world, and I am their guide. My family can be a ship. Maybe I can be their Compass. Lisa the sextant. The world is their Chart. God is the Sun and the Moon and the Stars. Jesus is the rudder. The Spirit is the Wind.

I choose to love My Father, My Mother, My Wife, My Children.

I choose to love.

Day 1

Here are my worries of the day:

- I am waiting for my father to e-mail me back, as I wrote him a heartfelt message and asked him some uncomfortable questions about the past. Like why did he leave my Mom and me and my 2 sisters? I guess in the end, I have to accept it somehow. forgive my Dad, forgive my Mom, and forgive myself for using it as a crutch.

- I wonder how well and how wholey (Wholy?, Holy?) I am able to love my wife, Lisa. Even though, in my own imperfect way, i managed to do just that, love her. I learned (still learning), that love has more to do with action than with feeling. You love, it is a verb, you do it. And the best years of our marriage so far have been when I realized that. It's humbling. Ours is not a perfect marriage, but it is a good one. She is a good person, and I am thankful for that.

-I look at my two kids playing with each other, laughing, being silly, and I am awed by their innocence, scared of my ability to screw that up, to screw them up somehow, and wonder how I will ever be a good father to them. (As I write this, i've just come back from reading my 3 year old, Sarah, a book about the 8 keys to a better me: Which are ---Being Honest, Being Respectful, Being Patriotic, Being Kind, Being Courageous, Being Responsible, Recognizing my Feelings, which all lead to Self-Worth---) I feel often that i am adrift in a sea of change and danger and have no map, perhaps only a compass, but even then, I can't be sure. I'm navigating by stars that I find unfamiliar, but that I am trusting to be the right ones.

-I am an aspiring Martial Artist, a student of the art of TaiChiChuan. I started at this because I thought it would help me get in better shape, which it did. But I worry I will stagnate or give up eventually, because I am afraid of what it would mean if I succeeded at it (or maybe even if I fail) I am close to attaining a high level, almost Black Belt, (which, as it turns out, is really the beginning), and must decide where to go from there. But I could easily see myself sabotaging it somehow, and giving up, or just staying where I am, day after day. I've done it before, more on that another time. So I need to make a choice...no, not a choice... I've made the choice. I've made many choices, and have simply let my responsibility for them fall away. "Just do it", as NIKE would say. Grand dreams, half-started plans...

My responsibility to my daughter is coming to the foreground, because she would like to type on the PC and see her letters come up on the screen. A little thing to make her smile.

here

Here is a thought to start this blog.

I am James Gayl Yamakawa, and I am afraid of succeeding at life.

I am James Gayl Yamakawa, and that will change starting now.