Day 1

Here are my worries of the day:

- I am waiting for my father to e-mail me back, as I wrote him a heartfelt message and asked him some uncomfortable questions about the past. Like why did he leave my Mom and me and my 2 sisters? I guess in the end, I have to accept it somehow. forgive my Dad, forgive my Mom, and forgive myself for using it as a crutch.

- I wonder how well and how wholey (Wholy?, Holy?) I am able to love my wife, Lisa. Even though, in my own imperfect way, i managed to do just that, love her. I learned (still learning), that love has more to do with action than with feeling. You love, it is a verb, you do it. And the best years of our marriage so far have been when I realized that. It's humbling. Ours is not a perfect marriage, but it is a good one. She is a good person, and I am thankful for that.

-I look at my two kids playing with each other, laughing, being silly, and I am awed by their innocence, scared of my ability to screw that up, to screw them up somehow, and wonder how I will ever be a good father to them. (As I write this, i've just come back from reading my 3 year old, Sarah, a book about the 8 keys to a better me: Which are ---Being Honest, Being Respectful, Being Patriotic, Being Kind, Being Courageous, Being Responsible, Recognizing my Feelings, which all lead to Self-Worth---) I feel often that i am adrift in a sea of change and danger and have no map, perhaps only a compass, but even then, I can't be sure. I'm navigating by stars that I find unfamiliar, but that I am trusting to be the right ones.

-I am an aspiring Martial Artist, a student of the art of TaiChiChuan. I started at this because I thought it would help me get in better shape, which it did. But I worry I will stagnate or give up eventually, because I am afraid of what it would mean if I succeeded at it (or maybe even if I fail) I am close to attaining a high level, almost Black Belt, (which, as it turns out, is really the beginning), and must decide where to go from there. But I could easily see myself sabotaging it somehow, and giving up, or just staying where I am, day after day. I've done it before, more on that another time. So I need to make a choice...no, not a choice... I've made the choice. I've made many choices, and have simply let my responsibility for them fall away. "Just do it", as NIKE would say. Grand dreams, half-started plans...

My responsibility to my daughter is coming to the foreground, because she would like to type on the PC and see her letters come up on the screen. A little thing to make her smile.